I'll Write ... You Read ... then it's meeting time

Some important thoughts for a Couple to place on their "To Do" List And with any luck the time will come when we can sit across a table, sipping coffee and savoring a bit of cheesecake. And we will exchange that most precious commodity: intimate conversation filled with high expectations, new friends discussing plans for their wedding. Talk of hopes and dreams and the excitement of the journey can turn an hour into two. Many couples simply need to get that sense of comfort with a minister. It's important to hear of concerns, especially to know if their selection of a minister is someone who can bring their ceremony to family and friends in a manner which reflects their wishes. It's important to learn of sensitivities within and between families. It's important to learn of rituals preferred, especially when it is an interfaith wedding. A personal meeting is that opportunity to become comfortable with the person who is performing the most important ceremony in the life of a couple. Captain Kirk reminded us of an important gift We were watching a documentary this past evening entitled "Captains." William Shatner, the actor of note from many roles, but especially Star Trek, allowed us to listen to an entertaining couple of hours sharing conversations with all of the Star Trek Captains over the years, and some of the notable cast members so many of us remember. Then at the very end, as the credits were scrolling by, the final thank you came up and stopped. Shatner wrote several comments, and then offered: "These friends allowed me such a marvelous gift ... their time." That is exactly what we hope to enjoy with each couple: their time ... as time is allowed. So many couples ask, "Can we meet?" Of course we can meet, and that should be a part of your planning. However, I live near Charlottesville, Virginia and a meeting generally entails a full day, at least for those who live in Virginia, Maryland and the DC area. Many couples who plan ahead will take a weekend day and drive to Charlottesville, often staying for one night, enjoying the delights of this historic town, and meeting with us for a discussion. If a couple needs directions or ideas for a hotel accessible for visiting Monticello, Carter Mountain, University of Virginia, etc, please ask. Not all couples can make that trip to Charlottesville Keep in mind that only about half of all couples actually are close enough for meeting with ease. Many couples have waited too late for planning a meeting. Many live in other states, and will fly into their ceremony location just before the ceremony. As much as we would like to have that face to face talk months in advance, and become familiar before a ceremony, sometimes it is just not possible. Then, a bit more time is spent with e-mail exchanges, and the importance of my questionnaire to learn of hopes and dreams and other matters of the heart become so very prominent in order to write for text and tone. Sometimes in the course of exchanges, a phone call might allow for a more open dialogue to settle a matter quickly. What happens when family members wish to attend that first meeting? There have been many meetings over the years when a mother, or both mothers have arrived with the couple. There have been occasions when a couple brought their separate children with them. The list of combinations can be interesting. The question is usually asked: Is it OK for them to come with us? And the answer is: Certainly! However, at some point after general introductions, I will ask the couple to join me for a private conversation at a separate table, and Rev. T. Wade will occupy the rest of the family with the most interesting conversation one can imagine. He can speak football fluently. There must be private time with the couple. I have noticed on occasion when mothers are in attendance, there is a tendency on their part to want to know exactly how I will be handling the ceremony. It is at that point, but usually before it is asked, that I offer something like, "Please understand that I do not write a wedding until I have received completed questionnaires from a couple. I then draft the ceremony for their review and their review only. The wedding is therefore always approved by a couple in advance based on their request. I do insist that no one, except the couple, is to hear the script before it is delivered in a wedding. I do this rather deliberately, since a personal wedding must be that of a couple, and exposing it to friends and family lead to exchanges which may put pressure on a couple to make changes. That must never happen, since the ceremony becomes the wishes of others. And I am here to fulfill the wishes of the couple."   Perhaps this might be considered a gentle reminder that YOUR WEDDING IS YOUR DREAM DAY. Just sharing.

Sharing Thoughts with the LGBT Community ... But Not That Often!

A Personal note to the LGBT community from Revs. T. Wade and Elisheva Clegg   We cannot be accused of overwhelming recipients with blog postings accessed from our website at http://www.blueridgerainbowceremonies.org .  The articles are initially sent to readers on our e-mail list, and immediately placed on the blog site. Therefore, the e-mail is more than just an announcement of the blog posting; it's an immediate read of the item and has a "forward e-mail." The hope is that these less than intrusive mailings will be well received, versus daily bombardment by political parties, and that you will send on to other friends. Speaking of less than intrusive The last previous three e-mails and blog entries were April 21, 2012 (before this e-mail), January 14, 2012, and October 24, 2011. That's about one e-mail every 2-3 months. The topics are easily reviewed as to diversity by clicking the blog site and scrolling back.   The October 2011 article emphasized an important link for LGBT Military Members. Like all articles in the LGBT blog, there is always something to share from each article with friends. The heterosexual community can be casual about their status as Americans, but not the LGBT community. Take a moment and learn. The January 2012 posting remained the only entry for three months. Blenheim Farm and Vineyards in Charlottesville, Virginia area, although a popular wine-tasting stop for years, had just decided to open the farm for weddings last season. It deserved attention as a possible location for review for same-sex couples to host a large family gathering following  a legal marriage in Washington, D.C.  Although we have never performed a wedding at the site, it is indeed a lovely location.  The April 2012 posting was strictly of interest for couples planning ahead. Details regarding wedding licenses, along with ideas of fees and other considerations, were the sole focus of that article.  The next planned logistical e-mail/blog concerns adequately hearing a ceremony "Sound" will be the next topic of conversation, unless another important item needs to be addressed more readily. Past experiences with medium to large weddings, which neglected to enhance hearing for the audiences, have proven so disappointing. Not for the minister, the couple and the people seated on the front row, but for everyone else!   Sound must not be left as optional for the most important ceremony in the life of a couple. We will offer ideas, and specific professionals scattered around Virginia and hopefully in DC. If you have experienced a Sound Professional/ DJ  from an event or a wedding, then please send us an e-mail with their contact information and a comment. We would love to provide that information in our next in depth posting.  The question we often ask ourselves: Are we writing a newsletter or a blog? Quite frankly, our postings are probably more newsletter oriented. We may give extended attention to one topic, or list several items of interest. A concerted effort is made to pick a topic and offer in depth information with links for a reader. At the core, a blog and a newsletter is simply a Web page. Each communication format can contain text, images, and formatting styles. It would be nice if readers would actively ask more questions about topics regarding weddings, so that a tailored answer could be addressed. After all, one objective is to offer pertinent information which can serve couples planning a wedding. But remember, we are Interfaith ministers, and weddings are only part of what we do. Some postings will reach beyond planning a wedding.  A Final Note  It is true that our focus as Interfaith Ministers is tailored to personalization of weddings, and we travel considerable distances when proper planning is allowed. One or both of us is approved in all states and the District of Columbia.  Couples are asked to read our website(s) and click on testimonials for a true sense of how we are received. In addition, for almost four years our dedication has been aimed at our totally independent, non-religious, all volunteer, 501(c)3 public charity, which is Interfaith Humanitarian Sanctum, Inc.  From all wedding fees a portion is allowed for support of this charity for temporary assistance for the indigent population who comes from all over Virginia to be served by the UVA Medical Center. A couple can provide a direct donation for a tax deduction, or we as ministers will direct our income from fees as needed to sustain this worthy objective. In essence, our ministerial roles are an integral part for sustaining our charitable organization, so when you receive e-mails from both entities, please know that our hearts and minds are ONE. Your wedding, if a couple seeking a wedding minister, will make a difference in the lives of the least able among us as they struggle with the most tragic of circumstances.

Blessings ... US ... Revs. Elisheva and T. Wade Clegg

A Vital Document for a Legal LGBT Wedding

Some Helpful Tips for Couples as they decide where to obtain a marriage license Presently, the most opportune location for me to perform a same-sex marriage is Washington, D.C. I know there is considerable anticipation that Maryland will open the door for legal ceremonies, but that has not taken place to date.  There are states where you can travel,  but  the District of Columbia is the only feasible distance for me to respond to a wedding minister request.  I live in the Charlottesville, Virginia area and make many trips to Northern Virginia and the District for same-sex and opposite-sex weddings. Some General Advice Always call the Washington, D.C. Clerk of the Superior Court Marriage Bureau and get details, if it's not already on their website. If you are traveling from a considerable distance, double check what documents you need and have them secured for the trip.  My last same-sex wedding in Washington, D.C.  was January 7, 2012 and the couple indicated that the fee was $45.00. Do you know how long the license is valid from date of purchase? In the District once a couple applies at the Clerk's Office for a license, processing time is generally three (3) days. Therefore, if one is being married by someone who is registered to marry you who is not an officer of the court, but a registered minister such as myself, then you will be able to pick up the license after the three days and be married anywhere in the City at any location of your choice.  However, since many couples will be coming to the District FIRST for making application, and then returning home, the question is:  How long is the license valid once it is ready for pickup.  That is the really good part for consideration. The license has no deadline for use. You can plan to return anytime and retrieve the license in conjunction with a date in the future for a wedding plan. Of course planning must include your return to pick up the license on a week day during operating hours. Most weddings are planned on weekends for convenience of guests, so it behooves a couple to arrive a day or two before a weekend to make sure they obtain the license, which must be provided to the minister before the ceremony.  I invite you to view our blog which is accessed  from the home page of the website at http://www.blueridgerainbowceremonies.org. Here is a link to an older post from March 20, 2010 for some other notes regarding same-sex weddings. That blog entry was entered when same-sex weddings were just approved, and may have some notes for your consideration. Know exactly where you must be married with the license you have purchased This is really important!  You must be married within the District.  Therefore, it makes perfect sense to scout the area for a location while visiting the District during the application phase of your exploration. My last same-sex marriage was performed before a rather large guest list who traveled mostly from Atlanta, Georgia. The location was the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, 1330 Maryland Avenue SW, Washington, D.C. 20034. It is a large lovely hotel with many restaurants and large rooms for all size ceremonies.  My next same-sex wedding in June is a smaller outdoor event at the Intown Uptown Inn, 4907 14th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20011. During 2010  same-sex weddings were performed on riverboats, boarding from both the Alexandria, Virginia side of the Potomac River and the DC side of the river.  The Potomac Riverboat Company is located at 205 The Strand, Alexandria, VA 23139, Phone (703) 684-0580. What's interesting about the Alexandria departure is that you are considered in the District as soon as the riverboat leaves the dock, which places a same-sex couple inside the city limits for the marriage. On the District side of the river is Entertainment Cruises, Gangplank Marina, 600 Water Street SW, Washington, DC  20024, Phone (866) 404-8439. What are the responsibilities of a minister performing a legal marriage? A couple must present their license to the minister for review prior to the ceremony.  The license requires only one signature:  the minister.  The license has three copies.  The minister signs the license, providing a copy for the couple to retain,  keeps one copy, and mails a copy to the Clerk of the Court within a week of the ceremony.  The signing of the license following a ceremony makes for a very personal photograph with the minister and couple. Are ministers  performing legal marriages required to register in the District of Columbia? It is acceptable to ask a minister regarding proper registration for performing a wedding in the District of Columbia. Reverend Elisheva Clegg is registered with the Clerk in the Superior Court of the District of Columbia, 500 Indiana Avenue N. W., Washington, D.C. 20001. Their phone is (202) 879-4865. A properly registered minister will be on file with the Office of the Clerk. Final Comments This information is tailored for same-sex couples who are seeking assistance for a private personalized wedding at a location selected by a couple by an approved wedding minister who is properly registered in the District of Columbia. If a couple is seeking a civil ceremony performed by an officer of the court, then contact the Clerk for details for length of time for processing a license, and how to arrange for a civil ceremony inside the Courthouse.  Many same-sex couples will obtain a civil ceremony, and at some time in the very near future arrange for a  ceremony away from DC to celebrate their legal wedding before a large gathering of family and friends.  Therefore,  my  website blog may feature vineyards or manor houses, etc., perhaps in Virginia and Maryland , for these extended events to take place.  I am always prepared to assist with the follow-up ceremony, but only after a legal ceremony in DC.  I tell couples that the day of the commitment ceremony is over. When there is an opportunity for a legal wedding, even in isolated pockets of equality in the United States, the time to take advantage must be seized. Blessings ... Reverend Elisheva

Blenheim Farm & Vineyards - A Spendid Place to have a Wedding!

Splendid Opportunity for a Wedding! This past Monday, January 9th, we were invited to visit a truly marvelous vineyard in Albemarle County along Carter Mountain Road. It was rainy and cold, probably the least likely time of the year for a wedding. However, once on the farm and inside several of the farm's 1800's style buildings, one could immediately sense all the possibilities for small-medium size weddings inside those cozy buildings. And it is easy to visualize the outside lawn area in spring, summer and fall with views over the vineyard. When reviewing all of the marvelous locations for a wedding, couples now have another stunning setting near Charlottesville, Virginia from which to choose.  The Blenheim Farm has several buildings for selection to accommodate various audience sizes for a wedding. There is the Main House, the Library and the Chapel can host 20 - 25 guests Historic Chapel. Outside on the lawn are a number of possible wedding sites near large trees.  Of course there is also the opportunity to rent the entire farm for events up to 200 people. The Blenheim Farm and Vineyards  is located at 31 Blenheim Road. The first objective driving from Charlottesville is to head out toward Monticello on Highway 53. Keep driving past Monticello to the Thomas Jefferson Vineyards.  Just past their entrance on Highway 53 is James Monroe Parkway.  Go south 4.8 miles down the James Monroe Parkway after leaving Highway 53. You will pass Ashlawn Highland (home of President James Monroe) on the right.  James Monroe Parkway becomes Carter Mountain Road at about 2.6 miles.  Turn onto Blenheim Road at the new Trump Vineyard Tasting Room sign. Drive 0.6 miles to the Blenheim entrance on the left side of the road.   Historic Library Just reading the directions should give a rather good impression of the magnificent area which is wine-growing country unequalled in Virginia. Who says you can't dine outdoors? Many of you reading this description and the Blenheim Farm website will be interested to know of the possibilities for business and family gatherings, in addition to weddings. Call or e-mail Kathy Del Rosso, Director of Sales and Marketing, a marvelous tour guide for planning an event. Her e-mail is kathy@blenheimvineyards.com  or call her cell phone at (434) 962-4241.

A Personal Note to LGBT Military Members

From  Reverend Thomas Wade Clegg III, ordained Interfaith Minister            Major, USAFR Retired        DADT has been officially repealed. Gay and lesbian service members may now serve openly. The Department of Defense has issued guidance for service members available at http://www.defense.gov/home/features/2010/0610_dadt/. The repeal has the force of law, passed by Congress and signed by the President. Active military should now feel comfortable to serve openly. That being said, obviously same-sex couples that have contacted us must make a personal decision with which they're comfortable. DADT repeal, of course, doesn't require them to come out. If you encounter any specific issues, you may want to reach out to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, which provides direct legal services to members of the military. I also suggest (make that URGE) you to read SLDN's excellent guide on LGBT military service after repeal. It's available at http://sldn.3cdn.net/5d4dd958a62981cff8_v5m6bw1gx.pdf. Press on ... your country needs you. Blessings ... Rev. T. Wade

A Romantic Checklist to Cherish ....

Over the years I have asked and received such insightful personal notes from so many of you who needed to share the "little" things that continue to make your relationship a marvelous journey. Those cumulative little things are such a BIG part of making the journey enjoyable. Sometimes I may take a few of these notes and add some remarks; however, when someone else writes a very good summary for consideration, I will ask to extend its exposure.

The following article by Dustin M. Wax originally appeared at Stepcase Lifehack, located at http://www.lifehack.org/. I asked Dustin if we could post it again, and he kindly said yes. It's not just a list; it's a concise checklist which all good pilots should read every time he or she senses the need to fly higher. In this case it's that checklist for securing a continuously smooth and vibrant relationship. Enjoy!

10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship

In romantic relationships, as with so much else, it's the little things that count. Just as a mis-spoken word or cold look can throw a couple into a weeks-long feud, small and seemingly insignificant gestures can help keep a relationship on track. A little gift, an off-hand compliment, a moment of physical contact can vastly strengthen a relationship.

According to psychologists Nathaniel Branden and Robert Sternberg, who have both researched and written about the challenges of romantic relationships, these little displays of interest and affection can be more important than all the "active listening" and trust games in the world. Their research has suggested 10 keys to keeping both partners content, satisfied, and happy with each other.

1. Tell your partner you love them. Although it's true that actions speak louder than words, words often speak more clearly than actions. Take a moment every now and then to verbalize your feelings for your partner. A simple "I love you" or "You mean the world to me" can go a long way towards making your significant other feel wanted, cared for, and secure in your relationship.
   
   
2. Show some affection. Small acts of physical intimacy - the hand on the small of the back as you brush by in the hallway, your arm around their shoulder on the sofa, your hand on their thigh when seated side-by-side, holding hands while walking down the street - give your partner a warm feeling and convey the love and affection you feel for them. The littlest touch can be as important, or even more important, than the longest night of sexual intimacy.
   
   
3. Show appreciation for your partner. Let your partner know on a regular basis what it is that you like most about them - what you admire, what makes you proud, what their strengths are in your eyes. Building a romantic relationship isn't just about the initial bonding - it's about encouraging and supporting each other's growth over the course of your lives. Help your partner achieve his or her potential by constantly building them up.
   
4. Share yourself. Don't keep your likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, achievements and mistakes, or anything else to yourself. If it's important to you, share it with your partner. More than that, be sure to share more with your partner than you do with anyone else. While there is certainly a need for some personal space in even the closest relationship, give as much of yourself and your time as you can bear to your partner.
   
   
5. Be there for your partner. Be there for your partner. It's obvious what you need to do when your partner faces a major life challenge like the loss of a job or the death of a loved one. But it's just as important to be supportive when your partner faces life's little challenges, too - an argument at work, a rough commute, a misplaced check. Don't let yourself be a doormat, and definitely don't stand for physical or verbal abuse, but thicken your skin a little and be the voice of calm and reason when chaos strikes. Listen to what's bothering them and offer whatever help - even if it's just sympathy - you can.
   
   
6. Give gifts. Take advantages of opportunities to give material tokens of your love. Just the right book picked up at the bookstore, a special dessert, a piece of jewelry or clothing you noticed at the store - anything small or large that tells them you were thinking of them. Leave a love note for them, or send them an SMS at work to "I love you" - again, the little reminder that they're always on your mind will help your partner feel better about themselves and secure in your relationship.
   
   
7. Respond gracefully to your partner's demands and shortcomings. A big killer of relationships is unreasonable expectations. Unless you married a robot, your partner comes preloaded with a whole range of human failures and foibles. These are features, not bugs! Learn to recognize and appreciate your partner's quirks for what they are: an essential part of who they are as people. Since our weaknesses are often at the core of our deepest insecurities, make sure you don't pick on or otherwise go out of your way to highlight your partner's flaws.
   
   
8. Make "alone time" a priority. No matter how busy both of your lives are, make sure you commit at least an evening every week or two to be alone together. Have new experiences, share your stories, and just generally enjoy each others company.
   
   
9. Take nothing for granted. Cultivate a daily sense of gratitude for your partner and the thousands of little blessings he or she has brought into your life. Remember that, if you're happy in your relationship, your partner is doing a thousand little things for you every day to make your relationship work (as, hopefully you are for them). Never take that for granted - a relationship is work of the highest order, and the second you stop, it starts to slide away.
   
   
10. Strive for equality. Make sure you follow the Golden Rule in your relationship: do unto your partner as you would have done unto you. Strive for a fair division of household duties and other tasks, and don't expect or demand special considerations you'd be unwilling to offer in return.

Blessings .... Reverend Elisheva Clegg

An Opportunity to Reflect and Project for Memorial Weekend

Sometimes we do hesitate between blog entries, perhaps too long. The last entry of "Stop, Look and Listen" was one of those articles which needs to just linger there and allow for you to read it again, and perhaps again, and gather in the substance. However,  it is time to press along with more thoughts.

Many blog entries are meant to answer direct questions from the "soon to be married," or "the just got married," or from "parents wondering what is the best route for planning."  Those may or may not interest every recipient, whereas the "Stop, Look, and Listen" entry of February 4, 2011(when it was published in the www.virginiaweddings.blogspot.com blog site) has merit for everyone. In fact it was written to remind ME to self-reflect, and allow you to share.

So - forgive us if we don't provide a stimulating read each time to interest every one, but over the course of time, we hope our efforts will be considered as personal notes between friends.  Perhaps something said will apply as you advise friends, family, children and grandchildren. Remember - this cycle of life is continuous, and the older you get, the more that YOU are the keeper of lessons to be shared.  We hope in some small way to offer a few pertinent ideas, while sharing the thoughts of very real people who have graced our lives.

Memorial Weekend ...

It's Saturday afternoon as I write, just prior to driving over to our Community Garden plots in Palmyra along Route 53, which is Jefferson Parkway. It's just a 2-lane highway which is the same road which Mr. Jefferson used to travel from Monticello to Richmond and on to Washington.  His travel took days, whereas our frequent trips to Richmond and DC only takes 1-2 hours.  I suspect that Mr. Jefferson would have really appreciated a paved road in his days along Route 53.

I've been writing to individual friends about coming to visit, and enticing them with thoughts of cherry-picking, peach donuts, cold apple cider, and picnics out in a local orchard. We will do almost anything to attract friends and OUR children to come and visit. It is especially lovely today with so much growth occurring . So - I enclosed the websites of two lovely locations to instigate that desire to leave home for a day or two and join us in our garden or perhaps more appealing gardens in the Charlottesville area. After all, our own garden requires getting "deeply" involved.
Living on Highway 53 near Monticello already has its appeal, but meeting in locations where you can pick fruit already in season and lay back in the grass ...well ...that is appealing, so we pull out the stops with vivid descriptions.

Open the two websites in this paragraph which Mrs. Chiles sends me every few weeks. You will see why we enjoy sharing our location and opportunities.  Check out www.CarterMountainOrchard.com and www.SpringValleyOrchard.com.  Carter Mountain is the highest point and is the nearest to us, and provides marvelous views of our area.  A site worth seeing!

Back to my more emotional thoughts for this weekend

All of this sweet growth around me does not deter my sadness regarding the devastating path which nature has dealt in Tuscaloosa, Joplin, and so many smaller places.  My days as a child riding my bike through the Forest Lake area of Tuscaloosa keeps flooding back in my fondest memories, for it is one of those areas so destroyed that the landscape is only left to memories.

As I sit in a place of calmness today, the reality is that nature and its whims can bring a stop to life as we know it.  It is why I tend to squeeze Elisheva more as life continues, and send out frequent notes to entice family gatherings,  even if right there in their own homes.

I also remember those who have served and are serving in military and civilian roles, and those who have died or received terrible injuries.  Whether by the winds of war or weather, the losses bring such a sense of finality.

I awoke this morning with my window open and a cool breeze delaying my ability to move. My sleep was shattered by two small birds carrying on so loudly as they spoke to each other about their day. I started laughing as I listened, aroused by the sounds and feel of nature coming into my day... another wonderful opportunity. Initially, I wanted to shout "Shut up!" but instead my only thought was, "Thank you!"

I took several deep breaths and remembered those who were anticipating this same joy I was feeling, but are with us no more.  The joy of their being, my appreciation of their being, and my appreciation for my being can be overwhelming at times. I know that you know the feelings of which I speak.

Take a moment to review all that is given, and all that we can give, and move into your day, and those to come, with giving more and sharing more.  It will lead to healing of others ... and healing of self.

Love ... Rev. T. Wade Clegg III