Monday, October 24, 2011

A Personal Note to LGBT Military Members

From  Reverend Thomas Wade Clegg III, ordained Interfaith Minister
           Major, USAFR Retired
      
DADT has been officially repealed. Gay and lesbian service members may now serve openly. The Department of Defense has issued guidance for service members available at http://www.defense.gov/home/features/2010/0610_dadt/.

Rainbow colors behind soldierThe repeal has the force of law, passed by Congress and signed by the President. Active military should now feel comfortable to serve openly. That being said, obviously same-sex couples that have contacted us must make a personal decision with which they're comfortable. DADT repeal, of course, doesn't require them to come out.

If you encounter any specific issues, you may want to reach out to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, which provides direct legal services to members of the military. I also suggest (make that URGE) you to read SLDN's excellent guide on LGBT military service after repeal. It's available at http://sldn.3cdn.net/5d4dd958a62981cff8_v5m6bw1gx.pdf.

Press on ... your country needs you.

Blessings ... Rev. T. Wade

Monday, September 5, 2011

A Romantic Checklist to Cherish ....

Over the years I have asked and received such insightful personal notes from so many of you who needed to share the "little" things that continue to make your relationship a marvelous journey. Those cumulative little things are such a BIG part of making the journey enjoyable. Sometimes I may take a few of these notes and add some remarks; however, when someone else writes a very good summary for consideration, I will ask to extend its exposure.

The following article by Dustin M. Wax originally appeared at Stepcase Lifehack, located at http://www.lifehack.org/. I asked Dustin if we could post it again, and he kindly said yes. It's not just a list; it's a concise checklist which all good pilots should read every time he or she senses the need to fly higher. In this case it's that checklist for securing a continuously smooth and vibrant relationship. Enjoy!

10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship

In romantic relationships, as with so much else, it's the little things that count. Just as a mis-spoken word or cold look can throw a couple into a weeks-long feud, small and seemingly insignificant gestures can help keep a relationship on track. A little gift, an off-hand compliment, a moment of physical contact can vastly strengthen a relationship.

According to psychologists Nathaniel Branden and Robert Sternberg, who have both researched and written about the challenges of romantic relationships, these little displays of interest and affection can be more important than all the "active listening" and trust games in the world. Their research has suggested 10 keys to keeping both partners content, satisfied, and happy with each other.

  1. Tell your partner you love them. Although it's true that actions speak louder than words, words often speak more clearly than actions. Take a moment every now and then to verbalize your feelings for your partner. A simple "I love you" or "You mean the world to me" can go a long way towards making your significant other feel wanted, cared for, and secure in your relationship.

  2. Show some affection. Small acts of physical intimacy - the hand on the small of the back as you brush by in the hallway, your arm around their shoulder on the sofa, your hand on their thigh when seated side-by-side, holding hands while walking down the street - give your partner a warm feeling and convey the love and affection you feel for them. The littlest touch can be as important, or even more important, than the longest night of sexual intimacy.

  3. Show appreciation for your partner. Let your partner know on a regular basis what it is that you like most about them - what you admire, what makes you proud, what their strengths are in your eyes. Building a romantic relationship isn't just about the initial bonding - it's about encouraging and supporting each other's growth over the course of your lives. Help your partner achieve his or her potential by constantly building them up.
  4. Share yourself. Don't keep your likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, achievements and mistakes, or anything else to yourself. If it's important to you, share it with your partner. More than that, be sure to share more with your partner than you do with anyone else. While there is certainly a need for some personal space in even the closest relationship, give as much of yourself and your time as you can bear to your partner.

  5. Be there for your partner. Be there for your partner. It's obvious what you need to do when your partner faces a major life challenge like the loss of a job or the death of a loved one. But it's just as important to be supportive when your partner faces life's little challenges, too - an argument at work, a rough commute, a misplaced check. Don't let yourself be a doormat, and definitely don't stand for physical or verbal abuse, but thicken your skin a little and be the voice of calm and reason when chaos strikes. Listen to what's bothering them and offer whatever help - even if it's just sympathy - you can.

  6. Give gifts. Take advantages of opportunities to give material tokens of your love. Just the right book picked up at the bookstore, a special dessert, a piece of jewelry or clothing you noticed at the store - anything small or large that tells them you were thinking of them. Leave a love note for them, or send them an SMS at work to "I love you" - again, the little reminder that they're always on your mind will help your partner feel better about themselves and secure in your relationship.

  7. Respond gracefully to your partner's demands and shortcomings. A big killer of relationships is unreasonable expectations. Unless you married a robot, your partner comes preloaded with a whole range of human failures and foibles. These are features, not bugs! Learn to recognize and appreciate your partner's quirks for what they are: an essential part of who they are as people. Since our weaknesses are often at the core of our deepest insecurities, make sure you don't pick on or otherwise go out of your way to highlight your partner's flaws.

  8. Make "alone time" a priority. No matter how busy both of your lives are, make sure you commit at least an evening every week or two to be alone together. Have new experiences, share your stories, and just generally enjoy each others company.

  9. Take nothing for granted. Cultivate a daily sense of gratitude for your partner and the thousands of little blessings he or she has brought into your life. Remember that, if you're happy in your relationship, your partner is doing a thousand little things for you every day to make your relationship work (as, hopefully you are for them). Never take that for granted - a relationship is work of the highest order, and the second you stop, it starts to slide away.

  10. Strive for equality. Make sure you follow the Golden Rule in your relationship: do unto your partner as you would have done unto you. Strive for a fair division of household duties and other tasks, and don't expect or demand special considerations you'd be unwilling to offer in return.
Blessings .... Reverend Elisheva Clegg

Monday, May 30, 2011

An Opportunity to Reflect and Project for Memorial Weekend

Sometimes we do hesitate between blog entries, perhaps too long. The last entry of "Stop, Look and Listen" was one of those articles which needs to just linger there and allow for you to read it again, and perhaps again, and gather in the substance. However,  it is time to press along with more thoughts.

Many blog entries are meant to answer direct questions from the "soon to be married," or "the just got married," or from "parents wondering what is the best route for planning."  Those may or may not interest every recipient, whereas the "Stop, Look, and Listen" entry of February 4, 2011(when it was published in the www.virginiaweddings.blogspot.com blog site) has merit for everyone. In fact it was written to remind ME to self-reflect, and allow you to share.

So - forgive us if we don't provide a stimulating read each time to interest every one, but over the course of time, we hope our efforts will be considered as personal notes between friends.  Perhaps something said will apply as you advise friends, family, children and grandchildren. Remember - this cycle of life is continuous, and the older you get, the more that YOU are the keeper of lessons to be shared.  We hope in some small way to offer a few pertinent ideas, while sharing the thoughts of very real people who have graced our lives.

Memorial Weekend ...

It's Saturday afternoon as I write, just prior to driving over to our Community Garden plots in Palmyra along Route 53, which is Jefferson Parkway. It's just a 2-lane highway which is the same road which Mr. Jefferson used to travel from Monticello to Richmond and on to Washington.  His travel took days, whereas our frequent trips to Richmond and DC only takes 1-2 hours.  I suspect that Mr. Jefferson would have really appreciated a paved road in his days along Route 53.

I've been writing to individual friends about coming to visit, and enticing them with thoughts of cherry-picking, peach donuts, cold apple cider, and picnics out in a local orchard. We will do almost anything to attract friends and OUR children to come and visit. It is especially lovely today with so much growth occurring . So - I enclosed the websites of two lovely locations to instigate that desire to leave home for a day or two and join us in our garden or perhaps more appealing gardens in the Charlottesville area. After all, our own garden requires getting "deeply" involved.
Living on Highway 53 near Monticello already has its appeal, but meeting in locations where you can pick fruit already in season and lay back in the grass ...well ...that is appealing, so we pull out the stops with vivid descriptions.

Open the two websites in this paragraph which Mrs. Chiles sends me every few weeks. You will see why we enjoy sharing our location and opportunities.  Check out www.CarterMountainOrchard.com and www.SpringValleyOrchard.com.  Carter Mountain is the highest point and is the nearest to us, and provides marvelous views of our area.  A site worth seeing!

Back to my more emotional thoughts for this weekend

All of this sweet growth around me does not deter my sadness regarding the devastating path which nature has dealt in Tuscaloosa, Joplin, and so many smaller places.  My days as a child riding my bike through the Forest Lake area of Tuscaloosa keeps flooding back in my fondest memories, for it is one of those areas so destroyed that the landscape is only left to memories.

As I sit in a place of calmness today, the reality is that nature and its whims can bring a stop to life as we know it.  It is why I tend to squeeze Elisheva more as life continues, and send out frequent notes to entice family gatherings,  even if right there in their own homes.

I also remember those who have served and are serving in military and civilian roles, and those who have died or received terrible injuries.  Whether by the winds of war or weather, the losses bring such a sense of finality.

I awoke this morning with my window open and a cool breeze delaying my ability to move. My sleep was shattered by two small birds carrying on so loudly as they spoke to each other about their day. I started laughing as I listened, aroused by the sounds and feel of nature coming into my day... another wonderful opportunity. Initially, I wanted to shout "Shut up!" but instead my only thought was, "Thank you!"

I took several deep breaths and remembered those who were anticipating this same joy I was feeling, but are with us no more.  The joy of their being, my appreciation of their being, and my appreciation for my being can be overwhelming at times. I know that you know the feelings of which I speak.

Take a moment to review all that is given, and all that we can give, and move into your day, and those to come, with giving more and sharing more.  It will lead to healing of others ... and healing of self.

Love ... Rev. T. Wade Clegg III

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Best Time to Secure Yourselves is Always NOW!


Over the years of responding to LGBT couples, first requesting commitments, and now marriage, I have always added a critical paragraph to remind every couple to locate a gay friendly attorney in your area and secure yourselves with proper documents. THAT NECESSITY HAS NOT CHANGED!

Therefore, I was delighted to receive a highly informative e-mail letter from Tom Sullivan, Director of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Family Project.  Many recipients of HRC information will have read Tom's letter, and his continuing concern not only to have proper documents, but to have immediate access to those documents in emergency situations.
 
Tom briefly related the number of horror stories he's heard. Stories of loved ones barred from hospital rooms. A man who had to drive for hours to retrieve healthcare directives as his partner lay in the hospital after a brain injury. The pain of discrimination at the worst possible moment.

Tom's immediate appeal to everyone was to give consideration to HRC's partnership with Docubank for a special annual rate. Please click on the link below:

The link is http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/04/protecting-your-healthcare-rights/

This service stores electronic copies of all legal documents you might need in a medical emergency, and provides a card to carry with you at all times for immediate access by hospital staff by fax or a secure webpage.
 
I asked Tom for the link to this important affiliation, and found a host of vital in depth items surrounding this announcement. On the page entitled HRC Back Story, please click on the hyperlink legal documents to protect your family. You must first make a deliberate effort to secure and complete these documents. They are so critical to your future. THEN - once completed, those documents can be securely stored and accessed in case of an emergency.

Please take a moment, access this link, read about the Docubank offering,  and use this extended article to link to the many surrounding articles for updates on critical LGBT issues.
 
There is no time for skirting these important happenings in route to full equality. Stay informed ... and stay secure. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Regarding Future Requests for Commitments

A Personal note from Rev. Elisheva Clegg

This blog is being placed for all to read, but it is dedicated to all same-sex couples who are planning a commitment in the years ahead. I am hopeful that all who have allowed our participation in their commitments, and all I have married in DC, will openly encourage other same-sex couples to consider legal marriage versus a commitment ceremony.

For every same-sex couple who has requested information for a commitment since March 2010, we have forwarded guidance which is most of the information which follows in this blog entry. I have urged couples to turn their attention to a legal marriage certificate, which is open to them in Washington, D.C.

It's time to perform weddings, not commitments

I am now announcing that we have one more commitment scheduled in September this year. This was arranged many months ago; however, it will be the last commitment we will perform.

Our general range for assisting has been in a four state area, namely Virginia, Maryland, West Virginia and North Carolina. None of these states presently accept a legal wedding license from Washington, D.C., but it is the closest location for this wonderful opportunity for a same-sex couple.

There has been a strong wind blowing for full equality in this country, but I am not always confident that some locations are secured. There are political forces which have come to power which are determined to deny equality, and would if given the chance, take away the progress which has been made. Therefore, it behooves every same-sex couple to forego a commitment in those states where legal marriage is not accepted, and stand before their partner, with families and friends, and have their life-time commitment legally recognized in the Capitol City of the United States of America.

There is something special happening in The District of Columbia

As I often say in DC same-sex weddings, the shutters are now open in the nation's most revered city, and the light of freedom is flooding in. This opportunity is not to be ignored. I am now urging same-sex couples to review their plans, take the time for planning, budget for travel and time, and aim for a credential which is so meaningful in their life journey.

I am registered to marry in the District of Columbia for all marriages. DC is the closest opportunity for obtaining a legal marriage for same-sex couples for those states mentioned above. However, I have performed DC weddings this past year for couples from Texas, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Maryland and Virginia. There is a definite appeal to all couples to come to the seat of government, the federal city, and register a legal lifetime commitment.

Same sex couples need to understand and plan...this is meant for you!

First, visit http://www.blueridgerainbowceremonies.blogspot.com and read the August 11, 2010 blog entry. Then scroll back to March 20 and March 12 entries. These items need your attention for thoughts about a same-sex wedding.

You have probably read the website at: http://www.blueridgerainbowceremonies.org but not the blog entries as described above. They were especially written for couples who live away from DC. Please read the other blog entries also as time allows.

This note is to encourage a plan to obtain that legal status which will have merit if you decide to move to a state where gay marriage legality in DC is accepted, which also includes New York, which does not actually have same-sex marriages. Then there is the case pending in MA, which may change for same-sex couples to have access to those same advantages under federal law afforded to opposite-sex marriages. There is much happening, and the time for YOU to take advantage of this marvelous shift in society is now.

When a minister may be your best choice for performing the wedding

Since March 2010 we have married six couples in DC. Two weddings were on riverboats, one in a hotel, one in a park, one in a home, and a student center. Two were large weddings, one a dozen friends, and others just a few people. When a couple wants the freedom to pick a comfortable setting, away from the courthouse for any size audience, and on the day and time of their own choice, then that opportunity is open through the services of a minister registered with the DC Clerk's Office.

When I marry someone in DC, they will have visited and applied for the license, and then returned at anytime later, which can be many months, and picked up the license and stayed for a few days which allowed for planning for a wedding date in conjunction with retrieving the license. This has worked well for most couples with proper planning, and some flexibility for the two trips to DC, of course the second trip generally with the wedding date also.

Couples within three to four hundred miles may consider planning a 2-day trip by car for visiting the clerk's office for making an application. You could drive up on a Sunday, spend the night near the city, and apply in DC at the Clerk's Office on early Monday and return home. Just an idea, but always call their office (see the link in one of the blog entries) to make sure they are open and not one of their off days or holidays.

Couples who live at considerable distances with the means to consider a short vacation in the Capitol City may wish to come for the week. Our last wedding was performed in The International Student House in January 2011. The couple arrived on a Sunday, applied for their license on Monday, picked up their license on Thursday, were married before close family and friends from Atlanta on Saturday and returned to Georgia on Sunday. It was a full week of sharing the sites in the District and northern Virginia.

You do have that courthouse option in the District

There is the option of marrying at the DC clerk's office, but most couples cannot plan to stay from the time of application for the ten days minimum until a court date can be set in the courthouse for an officer of the court to marry you. In addition, it is a short civil ceremony and with limited numbers able to attend at a very specific time. It is certainly reasonably priced, but generally only convenient to those who live in or near the City of Washington. I encourage exploration with the clerk's office. This may be the route for you.

Ministerial options for a personalized ceremony are many

Please know that my objective is to personalize a wedding in every case. This is accomplished through exchanges and answering my questionnaires individually so that I know hopes and dreams. The core theme is always the love of two people. Upon completion of the short form on my website, I will send my detailed attachment for further decision-making.

Week day weddings are Monday-Thursday. Weekend day weddings are Friday-Sunday. They are classified this way, since week days provide more openings for availability, and because spring, summer and early fall weekends are often booked. The fee is slightly higher and kept stable for the last two years. Until I know details for projecting to a couple, I do not generalize, but give very specific details for further decision-making.

The only difference in cost has been when a couple requests our presence the day before for a rehearsal or meeting, which entails a hotel room for one night. Then - the hotel room near or in the city is reserved and paid for by the couple, and this is not a part of the fee. Please note that a portion of every fee is allowed to be donated to our non-religious public charity which is a tax deductible opportunity.

Young gay couples so often have no idea where to start

We receive inquiries weekly from young couples who ask if they can marry legally in their state. Most of these couples are from North Carolina. These are young people who have been closed off from contact with large more progressive groups. Perhaps they are living in a strict religious family where there is no one to have open communication. Once there is maturity and loving connection with a partner, exploration begins. There is an excitement of learning what doors have been opened, and each generation is learning for the first time.

Once a couple has that legal marriage license, they can return home and plan a reception for family and friends who could not attend the ceremony in DC. It is important to host a reception or dinner to celebrate your marriage. Display the license at the gathering and involve others in this special celebration.

Join the groups which have credible information for equality efforts

I invite any young couple to carefully review this blog and the references offered. I am asking others to point those couples to this blog entry for exposure. It is also imperative that gay couples become members of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). No single organization has made a bigger difference in the fight for equality than HRC. Every person with an HRC membership is kept informed. Do not neglect this affiliation.

When a gay couple returns home with their marriage license, it is imperative to arrange a meeting with an experienced, gay-friendly attorney in their own community. That license will establish the degree of seriousness and commitment of the couple. Some day it will make a difference, as the numbers grow, to bring total equality to all states. Meanwhile, a gay couple must move to have all necessary documents properly documented and filed for their own self-protection. This is not a casual directive; it is an absolute imperative.

That's it for now. I hope this has assisted. Planning a wedding is a part of marriage. Yes, in most cases the planning for a same-sex marriage is a bit more cumbersome for the long distance couple, but it is a journey which warrants taking time and making it happen.

Blessings ... Rev. Elisheva